Quite a week...

    It's 10:46pm and I am about to call it a night.  Always a good idea to get some zzz's before starting a new week, especially after one such as this.  To be honest I narrowly avoided a breakdown today by canceling lunch plans and curling up with a hot water bottle for a much needed nap (there wasn't electricity, and the gas heater had run out of fuel, bed seemed like a logical conclusion).  This past Sunday I found out that my Chum Chummali puppy, Kalek, was run over by a family friend who was so remorseful that he couldn't even say hi at church.
    A busy week continued, and on Thursday we had a lunch for our morning women (which did go well) but I managed to ruin my favorite pants and sweater by dumping a sauce carrying the very non forgiving ingredients of mustard and melted butter in them.   Not entirely a big deal, but mix some sleep deprived-ness (coffee drunk at inopportune moments mixed with me being a night owl to begin with = said results).    Mix more freezing temperatures (if you know me at all you know how I feel about being cold), boiling water being poured over my hand while trying to fill the water bottle again along with the arrival of Aunt Flo...and you have last night.    This morning seemed to be the last straw as I needed to make a snack for church as well as prepare for worship and all I wanted to do was pull my flannel sheets over my head and refuse the world access.  I was hoping that as I entered church I would be overtaken by a sense of peaceful euphoria, that I would be filled with that bubbly "God is SO good" joy you picture perfect wives have while taking apple pies out to cool, shuffling a little slower due to their own bun in the oven.  It didn't happen.  Sound set up took longer than anticipated, wires were left home and hat to be retrieved, and my vocal chords refused to be coaxed out of the "light me another cigarette, I'll be here all week" range.  However, despite all this and the blender of emotions that was my heart, God managed to poke some holes through.
    Before my nap I was reading a book from my friend Katie and the chapter was all about how we strive for God and human's affection and approval.  When I came over here I wanted to be super woman, live up to everyone's expectations, blossoming into a new, deeper person, fulfilling something wonderful that I was sure God was just waiting to do through me. Oh, he's changing me alright.  I hate it [the process that is].  I do want people's approval, and you know, its a really fickle thing.  For those of you who think you're beyond all that, imagine what it would be like if you truly didn't have people's approval.  The world's answer to this all is to just have mounds of self-confidence and a "you can't touch this" soundtrack for life.  I'm looking elsewhere.
    I feel as though I am running the risk of sounding emo (plus its just plain humbling to want to scream LISTEN TO ME, I'M IN PAIN! rather than be the girl who get's to do the reassuring and pious "just wait upon the LORD"-ing).  Special music tonight was "I Surrender All" and that is where I am.  I'm pretty sure the mood of the song is more inclined to the imagery of handing your life peaceably over to God, but  I'm also pretty sure that He will take me, as I run down the valley screaming "I SURRENDER" with a white flag jetting out behind.